My Brain Scratching Affair With Disney Movies Presents: Cinderella (VII)

As I’ve previously written in the first installment of this series-long ‘editorial’ (if you will), the following posts are created to air out more or less, ‘adult’ grievances and flush out underlying (as well as obvious) themes that I’ve found while watching these childhood movies over again.

*Please Note: I do not ‘blame’ Disney for any of my findings, as these are films based on very old fairy tales, however, as Disney animated them I will continue to say ‘Disney’ as a reference. **Also, not all cartoons animations of childhood fairy tales were the brain child of Disney, so I will attribute the production companies accordingly.*

After a very long break, I’ve decided to return to my wonderful franchise with the ever-shallow Disney flick, Cinderella.

4047cinderella

 

So the first question I had, after looking back at the film, was why didn’t Cinderella’s dad have a will? For a man who cared sooo much for his little girl — and had to endure the death of his own first wife — how could be be so careless? Yes, I can grasp the fact that maybe life insurance policies didn’t exist, but the WILL has been around since the dawn of time. What would’ve happened if Daddy Rella died  before he married Lady “Bitch Face” Tremaine? Cindy would’ve just became a penniless ward of the state. Daddy missed the ball on that one.

Next, Cinderella was better than most children, because I couldn’t understand how she could stand years of mental and physical abuse. I mean, first she got kicked out of her nice room — and we still don’t know what it was turned into — forced to live in an attic, and then do ALL the housework?  She didn’t have a third cousin on her mother’s side to run away to? If I were Cindy, the first thing I would’ve done was moved out of the place and moved in with a close friend of the family or something. Make a living out of cleaning and singing and do the damn thing.

Third, who the hell is Lady Tremaine’s baby daddy?

 

I love how every single Cinderella movie leaves out any kind of back story of her previous husband/baby daddy. Did he divorce her? Was he even a Lord to give her a lady title? Did she kill him for the money and then moved on to her next target?

And just how did Cinderella’s pops died?

I smell foul play — especially from Lady “Bitch Face” Tremaine.

Also,  why was it that the ONLY animals that could coherently talk in Cinderella were the mice? We can understand everything they say, but Bruno was left to grunt and growl like a regular dog, the birds had to chirp their words, Lucifer meowed, etc. Did Disney just run out of money to hire actors to speak for them?

And what about all this baby fever the King had?

If he wanted a baby around so much, why didn’t he just remarry (what the hell happened to his wife in the first place? Disney and these damn “dead wives”!) and have a baby of his own. He was freaking KING. He definitely could’ve done that. His eldest son still would’ve been his successor and when he croaked, he could leave his new wife to raise to new prince/ss.

Oh, and please let’s not get me started with the fact that Anastasia and Drizella were so ugly, they couldn’t have even been drawn to look like humans…

They look like straight cartoon characters — no bust, half-moon eyebrows, the works. Furthermore, their dad must’ve been one unattractive dude to produce THOSE faces. That’s probably why Bitch Face killed him. #ISaidIt Side note: who names their child “Drizella”? You know what, let me leave that alone because people name their children worse…

Another thing that killed me was Cinderella’s shoe being able to fit only HER foot.  You mean to tell me, that not one OTHER person in that entire kingdom was a size 4 1/2?!

Furthermore, who the eff uses a shoe as a means for identification?! Like come on, the prince can’t be that dumb. Why didn’t he round up all the blondes in the kingdom between 5′ and 5’5″ and then work from there? So you mean to say if a red-head or a girl with a pixie cut fit the shoe, then that was the girl from the ball? If I was Cinderella, I would’ve been offended. This dude thought she was SO beautiful, but couldn’t remember her features enough to have a sketch artist draw a photo so he can send his goons out to search for her. Laziness… and straight disrespectful.

Now here we go with the thematic portion of today’s head scratcher:

Theme One: You Need to Know Who You’re Marrying

Cinderella’s dad made the ULTIMATE mistake when he didn’t check who the hell he was marrying before bringing Lady BF Tremaine into his house with her two fugly children. Yeah, he thought he was bringing in mother figure for his daughter, and thought she’d be compassionate because she has kids of her own. Yeah, NO! This is a culture of #TeamMe and he should’ve known better to think that that woman would ever consider Cindy as a part of her family. Furthermore, Cinderella should’ve probably thought twice about marrying Prince Charming. If he couldn’t even remember what she looked like, can you imagine what else you would forget? Can you imagine if Cinderella went missing? He would probably have to give the guards her shoe to place on all the dead bodies in the kingdom to see if she was dead too.

Theme Two: Parents Need to Invest in Life Insurance

I know for a fact my own mother is scared poopless of the term life insurance because it really should be called “in case of death” insurance. But guess what? When you have children, and early deaths run in the family, your behind needs to make sure you have something saved away for your kids’ future. If Cindy’s dad thought more about making sure she was taken care of and less about bringing another female into his house, he would’ve written a will saying that Cindy got EVERYTHING and that Lady T was only there to supervise until Cindy got to marrying age. Then, Lady T could marry her off to the first thing that batted his eyes at Cindy and then she could’ve paid that dowry off, sell the house, and found herself an even richer man… to later kill and inherit his fortunes.

Theme Three: Slave Labor Can Exist in Your Own Home

Cinderella basically ran that house — cleaning, cooking, window washing, tending to the animals, etc. with no pay, no guarantee to her home, nothing. Basically for free. Out of the goodness of her heart, but more so because she was abused. In the beginning of the movie the say that she was treated terrible and humiliated, which means to me they probably broke her like a slave. Yup. Cindy was a slave in her own home. The only thing missing in a cotton field and a whip in Bitch Face’s hand.

Theme Four: Mice Are Still Creepy Ass Pets

I was never a person for mice as pets. They’re small, they get into everything, they breed quickly, they carry diseases, they eat everything… they’re just kinda gross. And the fact that they SPOKE in this movie creeped me out even further and resolved me to the notion that they’re just creepy ass animals.

 

Theme Five: Make Sure You’re Really Over Your Clothes Before You Throw Them Away

One of the scenes that really disturbed me in this movie was the scene where Anastasia and Drizella ripped apart Cinderella’s dress that used a COUPLE scraps from the sisters’ old clothes. I don’t know about you, but it always made me feel dirty… almost like a rape scene. I almost thought they were going to leave her naked on the floor with Bitch Face smiling in the corner. But this just makes my point that you should always make sure you’re really ready to throw your clothes away before you do. These girls really weren’t over their items like they thought they were — or maybe they were just jealous it looked nicer on Cindy than on them. Either way, they weren’t down with Cindy’s rat and bird friends upcycling their scraps to make her a half-way decent dress. So, before you dump away your old clothes, make sure you’re really over them. You never know what gems you could be missing.

Theme Six: Godparents Can Be Really Great in a Pinch

If it wasn’t for Cinderella’s fairy godmother, she probably would’ve just offed herself in that fountain when those skeezers ripped up her dress. But Ms. Bibbity Boppity Boo came and gave her a new dress, pumps, a fresh hairdo, and transportation, and that really made me appreciate having god parents. They’re purpose is to basically help the child when the parent can’t and in this case, Cindy needed all the help she could get. So make sure to show your god parents tons of love. You never know when you’d need them to spot your five bucks for cab fare.

 

Theme Seven: Don’t Let a Man Get You Sprung

If it wasn’t for Cinderella acting all sprung about the Prince when she heard he was looking for her, she probably could’ve avoided that whole being locked in her room waiting for the mice to save the day thing. But her head was so far up in the clouds, she didn’t have enough sense to play it cool and strategize getting out of her in-house slavery. That’s a lesson to you ladies — don’t get so hung up on a man, that you lose all sense and reason and then find yourselves in trouble you could’ve easily avoided.

Theme Eight: Be Nice to Everyone Because You Never Know When They’ll Be Rich Enough to Help You

One, if not the BIGGEST lessons learned from Cinderella is the idea that you should always be nice to people, no matter how much you really dislike them. Hear me out: Cinderella had a beautiful voice, right? If Lady Tremaine had invested money into Cindy being musical, she would’ve had the best singer of the kingdom bringing in suitors (and their money) into that house. As a matter of fact, if Bitch Face treated Cinderella with an OUNCE of niceness, got Cindy a dress for the ball, and let the prince play with her feet, then Cinderella just might have moved the whole damn family into the castle. Instead, she wanted to be a stingy prude. And what did it get her in the end? An old rickety house and two daughters no one wants to marry. Boom.

Theme Nine: No One Likes a Nasty Pussy

I will end this post with the most gratifying scene in this entire movie — Lucifer the Cat’s death. That was the nastiest cat I’d ever seen in my life and I genuinely hated him. When he fell from the tower of the house to his horrific death, I was happy. Pleasantly happy. He caused trouble for Cinderella, he tried to eat her mice friends, he got Bruno in trouble. He was just Damien re-incarnated into a cat. And no one like a nasty cat. Now, if you want to take that heading to mean something else, you can very well do so because I’m all for double entendres and in this movie, it definitely applies.

Elf & His Princess – Fan-Fiction (Orlando Bloom)

In high school, I had the HUGEST crush on Orlando Bloom and had high hopes of someday meeting him, granted I never had money to follow him around, or knew of any ways to get myself near him or around him. I wrote him a letter to his fan club once, but never sent it in because I knew that it wasn’t going to HIM directly, but to the person who was in charge of his fan club and they would probably send me back some photo of him with a stamped signature to appease me. That wouldn’t be enough. So, I wrote this story for my personal pleasure.

“The Elf and His Princess”

 A Mock Interview of a Fictitious Relationship between Alj Augustine and Orlando Bloom for a the fake OPAL magazine.

In the “Lord of the Rings” movie trilogy, the young Legolas Greenleaf was unable to succumb to the power of the “one ring,” but no one would suspect that actor Orlando Bloom would fall so gracefully for one lovely lady.  At one time, a  young 25-year-old  Bloom was the lord of every female’s heart but now a still beautiful, a 34-year-old Bloom is now only romancing one woman in his life. Sitting down in the couple at his four-bedroom Los Angeles beachside home wearing a white wife beater and blue jeans, Bloom stretches an arm behind him, motioning for the lady in question – Alj Augustine – to come sit next to him as the interview begins.

Update…and still ashamed

Hello Darling Followers,

This update comes from a rather not so happy and doleful place. I’ll get straight to the point:

I haven’t added anything new to what should’ve been the novel I “completed in a summer.” It seems that while I may have the entire plot mapped out to perfection, the words just aren’t coming to me. And though I hate to make excuses, I find that nothing is moving forward because I really don’t have much time to breath, with everything else sucking up all my energy. I know, I know – “if you want something bad enough, you’ll make time for it,” but this everything around me is just like a sinkhole of concentration. I intended on selling some of my hobby pieces this summer and that is constantly being pushed further and further into the future as new circumstances are constantly arising and because of this, the writing aspect of my life which I want to become vastly devoted to is taking a dive because of it. *sigh* I could stay up late and write until the crack of dawn, but I get so bogged down mentally, that nothing happens.

I was supposed to go to a place not too far away for a day of relaxation and pure typing, but that didn’t happen. If I have my way, I’ll go soon…if…

I spoke with a friend the other day who told me that I should release some of my work, over a course of time, bit by bit to gain an audience and feedback and while I’ve started that with this post, I haven’t got much of a response which obviously has left a bad taste in my mouth. Is writing really for me?

Anyhow, I will try to continue on…and I’ll be doing so with a bit of “Erotic Fan-Fiction” but not on novels or T.V. shows or anything like that. Nope, just on men. Men, will be the source of this fiction- famous men…or at least men I find incredulously handsome and would love to get my hands on but know (in the front of my mind) that I never will. I got the idea from Tina (of Bob’s Burgers) cause she does the same…but with her friends…and zombies.

I’ve always wanted to do it, but thought that in a world with so much social media and googling and shiz, people would think that it was a real story but, now I don’t really care. I’ve been dreaming of these guys too frequently to not indulge in a little fantasy and well…get some writing done.

The first of these Fan-Fiction pieces will be called “The Elf & His Princess,” a mock interview piece that I wrote in high school about me and Orlando Bloom (when he was hot off the LOTR circuit). It’s long…and it’s out there, but it was based on like a four-part dream I had for several weeks so…yeah.

w/love

-Alja

My Brain Scratching Affair with Disney Movies (Part V) – Mulan

As I’ve previously written in the first installment of this series-long ‘editorial’ (if you will), the following posts are created to air out more or less, ‘adult’ grievances and flush out underlying (as well as obvious) themes that I’ve found while watching these childhood movies over again.

*Please Note: I do not ‘blame’ Disney for any of my findings, as these are films based on very old fairy tales, however, as Disney animated them I will continue to say ‘Disney’ as a reference. **Also, not all cartoons animations of childhood fairy tales were the brain child of Disney, so I will attribute the production companies accordingly.*

This month’s installment includes my head-scratching questions and off-the-wall theories about Disney’s retelling of the Chinese legend Mulan.

Continue reading

Xhibit P: WHAT WOULD THEY SAY: MAD MEN’S DON DRAPER SELLS AMERICAN DREAMS

WHAT WOULD THEY SAY: MAD MEN’S DON DRAPER SELLS AMERICAN DREAMS

By 
Written By Afiya Augustine

What’s better than having a juicy conversation on the latest pop culture happenings? Listening to your favorite pop culture characters have a conversation about it! In the WWTS blog series, we re-imagine pop culture through the eyes of your favorite characters in movies, television and more.
This week, Don Draper from the hit series Mad Men delivers one of his Draper-esque monologues on remembering 9-11.
Don Draper: This Sunday will be September-11th, a day that is to be remembered in American History as one of the greatest terrorist attacks on American soil. Now let’s put aside for a moment all the conspiracy theories and government faults that many have complained about for a minute because this even is bigger than an individual person. We have to remember first, that we are Americans, and that and we pride ourselves on the values that we’ve created for all those who walk on this country soil. It’s not about how strike fear into the Islamic communities that shook the nation with its heinous act; it’s about how we can be better ourselves as Americans and glorify what it means to be a proud American. What it means to be a confident citizen of a country built on our strength and courage.
We must look at our children, growing up in an ever-changing world and maintain that sense of innocence and nostalgia that we held dear before the towers fell. We should help them to grow up with the all-American vision in mind. They should not feel that they should cower in fear, but rather walk with their heads held high because they did nothing wrong but live a life that can only be defined as the American dream.
This will be a time to look back on of all the 9-11 workers who risked their lives for this country. They felt their sense of Americanism flowing through their veins and gave up their lives to keep that blood pumping…going. We have to their memory alive and keep the values that they had in them very much a part of us. And as for the fear mongers- let them know that on Sunday, we will not look back and remember the fear that these terrorists set into us, but rather the bravery that they unlocked within us all.
Peggy Olsen: Wow Don…that was beautiful.
Don: I know. But I’m just speaking from my heart here…
Betty Francis: I didn’t know you had one of those Don…
Pete Campbell: Good job selling America, Don. Who are we pitching this one to again?

Xhibit P: WHAT WOULD THEY SAY: CLUELESS CREW ON BERNANKE & THE ECONOMY

WHAT WOULD THEY SAY: CLUELESS CREW ON BERNANKE & THE ECONOMY

By 
Written By Afiya Augustine

What’s better than having a juicy conversation on the latest pop culture happenings? Listening to your favorite pop culture characters have a conversation about it! In the WWTS blog series, we re-imagine pop culture through the eyes of your favorite characters in movies, television and more.

This week, Afiya imagines what the crew of cult-classic 
Clueless would say about Ben Bernanke’s speech last Friday on the state of the economy and debt. Like, as if!

Cher and Dionne
Cher Horowitz: So I heard in Ms. Geist class about how the economy was out of a recession, and that this Bernanke guy starts talking about something and it’s like everyone’s going crazy and wants to invest.
Dionne: I know! I mean, my dad even said that he would invest his money in some other country’s money and I’m like…are you kidding me?
Cher: I know right? Who better to invest in, than like your own daughter?! I mean, you’ve been begging him to expand your closet…just because the economy is in a slump, doesn’t mean your wardrobe should be.
Josh: Oh my god, I think ladies need to not talk about matters like this, especially when you don’t know what you’re talking about.
Tai: That Bernanke guy is like such a Baldwin.
Cher to Tai: Ick, Tai as if. He’s totally a Monet. Now president Obama, he’s kind of a Baldwin…being old and the president and stuff…you know?

Josh
Josh: Do you guys have any clue what this recession has done to the thousands of people in this country?
Amber: All I know is that it’s made my parents buy me a Fendi purse instead of the Louis Vuittone mini clutch that I wanted for my birthday.
Dionne to Amber: No sweetie, that’s because your mother probably lifted it off of Kim Kardashian at her wedding
Amber to Dionne: Whatever…
Cher: I mean really Amber… we all know that your mom has been in celeb rehab for her uncontrollable urge to shoplift
Josh: Please everyone, can we get our heads out of the mall for a minute and think seriously about the ramifications of the federal reserves’ actions are on this country?!
Cher: I mean really Josh, you act like we don’t care about the current state of the country?!
Josh: Well you obviously don’t, talking about brand named handbags. You’re only contributions to the working world is having immigrant housekeepers and landscapers.

Amber
Cher: Listen we all love Lupe okay?! And don’t act like you don’t love it when she makes those sandwiches when you stop by! All I know is that daddy said that the economy is still in distress despite what they say and that we should just buckle down even it’s not like…really affecting us.
Josh: So…what are you going to do?
Cher: I’ve decided for this week, I’ll shop at the Gap instead of Banana Republic.

Tai
Dionne: You see Josh, she’s always thinking of others. She’s like the Mother Theresa of L.A.
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Xhibit P: WHAT WOULD THEY SAY: TRUE BLOOD GALS GAB ON KARDASHIAN WEDDING

WHAT WOULD THEY SAY: TRUE BLOOD GALS GAB ON KARDASHIAN WEDDING

By 
Written By Afiya Augustine

What’s better than having a juicy conversation on the latest pop culture happenings? Listening to your favorite pop culture characters have a conversation about it! In the WWTS blog series, we re-imagine pop culture through the eyes of your favorite characters in movies, television and more.
This week, Afiya imagines what our favorite leading ladies and resident fabulous gay character from the hit HBO Show “True Blood,” thoughts were on the matter of Kim Kardashian’s recent wedding.
Sookie Stackhouse: I for one think it’s great, even amazing that people are able to find love and feel it so quickly. I just don’t agree with her making her life public like that…I mean I wouldn’t. But, I wish her the best of luck.
Tara Thorton: That shit ain’t gonna last longer than a snowball in hell.
Sookie to Tara: Tara, you shouldn’t say such things.
Lafayette Reynolds: Please Sook, you know Tara’s just jealous. If I found me a rich man who wanted to marry me after a few days and all I did for a living wasmaking a sex tape and selling my plastic body, honey I’d marry that in a heartbeat. Go on hooker!
Jessica Hamby: I think it’s sweet and all that she got married. I mean, I dreamt of getting married to get away from my daddy…but he didn’t even like me talking to boys. I don’t like my daddy…
Tara: He married her to get on that show. I hope it gets cancelled.
Pam De Beaufort: I can say that I without a doubt don’t give a fuck.
Sookie to Pam: Come on Pam. Tell us what you really think…
Pam: I don’t like weddings. But I wouldn’t mind seeing what she tastes like.
Arlene Fowler: I love weddings.
Tara: You should…you’ve been married so many times…
Arlene: Excuse me Tara?
Lafayette to Arlene: Don’t bother with Tara, she’s just jealous … but how many times have you been married Arlene?
Arlene: What does it matter! I’m married now and love my Terry Bellefleur.
Sookie: I wish them the best.
Arlene: Me too.
Tara: Whatever.
Do you have a WWTS conversation that you’d like read next? Let us know!