Damaged Sticker – Poetry

Bullets are sprayed in the air
and I’m shot down
my smiles now are now replaced with frowns
my heart has been shot
feels like I’ve been stabbed in the back
a massive heart attack
has left me feeling like
one side of my body can’t sustain
as though I’m only half paralyzed with pain
because the other half has to maintain
that crippling facade that my
soldier soul can continue on
walking  strong
all the while my armor is ripped
from all the silent tears that drip
drop down onto the new badge
that replaced the one that use to flicker in the light
my new damaged sticker is in plain sight.

I’m the person that you put back on the shelf
the contorted version of yourself,
the one that no one else sees
the person with heavy insecurities
the one who can’t be found
the one chained and bound
to the sound of pure silence…

Didn’t Queen sing “another one bites the dust”
and yet, I feel like the one left in the dirt
with the blood of my mangled body on my shirt
the blood from cuts so deep
they won’t seem to heal,
body so cold, it can no longer feel
still crying even though I’m all cried out
trying to find a river to ease this drought
all the while you all see me and start to snicker
pointing and laughing at my damaged sticker.

Love Letter – Journal Entry

“I want to make him mine. For forever and a day or two. I want to be able to wake up in the mornings with my ruffled hair tucked away under his chin. I want to feel that heat generated on my right shoulder from the left hand that held it all night long. I want to be the one who rubs his legs with my thighs every morning. The one receiving kisses on the forehead when he’s about to say ‘Good Morning,’ and the one whispering soft ‘I Love You’s in his ear. I want him to love me. The way he loved all those girls before with that passion that burns so bright, it drives the inner darkness away.”

 “I want him to love me so much, that it hurts just a smidge to say goodbye; love me so much in the same way that I love him. From the lashes on his eyes, the stud in his ear, the shape of his lips, and the hairs on his chin. From the build of his chest, the look of his belly button and the length of his legs. I bet you were thinking I was going to say something else. But you see I love him past the usual physical things that people associate with love. And that’s how I want him to love me.”

“I want him to love me no matter what- Spring, Summer, Winter and Fall. Through it all. I want him to not only love me, but to be in love with me. So in love that when he writes the word, his name is in the middle of it. So in love with me, that no matter how I look, no matter how many of his babies I have, I will always remain eternally glowing. And I will be ever-flowing with love for him.”

-2007

w/love,

-alja

Writing Prompt: Look-A-Like

As of late, I’ve been working on this novel and find myself getting waves of inspiration and the moments of pure stumped-ness. In those moments I either read in a feeble attempt to research OR think of books I want/need to read to expand my vocabulary and finesse my writing style to sound more of a ‘period piece’ than a contemporary recollection of a past event.

When I’m not doing that, I’m searching for contests to enter and found myself rummaging through my old hand-written pieces for short stories that I can add to my already typed collection. I found this little ditty and decided to share it with you all today:

Look-A-Like

It was either my first or second day in this class that I noticed him. His face reminded me so much of this guy I once knew and in the beginning, everything I looked at his face, I couldn’t help but revert back to memories I shared with the other guy. Little does this man in my class know, his clone is walking around on campus. His face, his smile, his hair, his damn height – all of it – all of it is freaking reminiscent of this guy I use to know. I made me sad at times. I wasn’t sad that the guys look alike – homeboys are attractive. It’s sad because I had let the guy I’m reminded of go. You know in life sometimes there’s that one person you get attached to and things are going pretty smooth but then out of nowhere something or someone comes along and freaks it up and you’re either too chicken-shit or confused about the situation and instead of trying to mend thing, you let them naturally dissipate? Yeah. He was that guy. The guy I let the forces of nature and my own stupidity take from me. And it’s like every time I hear this guy in my class talk, I hear the other dude’s voice. Granted, he doesn’t sound as street or as Brooklyn as the guy in my class sounds, but I can still hear him. What use to hurt me the most though, would be when I came to class and saw the clone and then go out on campus and see the real thing walking around, holding his girlfriend’s hand. I felt like shit on those days. It was as though he was everywhere. I just couldn’t escape him. But sooner or later, I had to come to terms with my own mistake. And maybe sitting across from the one who looked like the one that got away was the dose of medicine I needed. 

My professor commented that my writing was “smooth & expressive.”

That’s all for now.

Something – Entry 5

“You look like…a perfect fit…”

I came across his profile online one night, out of sheer boredom. He was a fellow high school alum who was incredibly smart and just as handsome. I think my new found brazen attitude towards meeting people online was getting the best of me. That or I was just trying to battle my loneliness. Either way, I sent him a message and he responded and we corresponded back and forth.

“Excuse me, missy! Now all of a sudden you’re chasing guys?” said one of my girlfriends. Continue reading

Getting Back on the Horse – Novella Resumes!

Quick update:

I wrote about 500 words in 30 mins, before I went to bed around 3:30 this morning. Editing myself as I worked, it brought it down to 420 words, but brought my total word count up to 12865. I’m pretty happy with myself, as I haven’t given myself any time to write these days. I’ve also finally started the arc of the story where my characters will encounter their conflict and all chaos commences. I do think I may have jumped the gun again, because I’ve written down in my notes that it wasn’t to happen at the moment that I just completed, BUT, I’ll work it all out later.

The fact of the matter is…I WROTE SOMETHING NEW!  YAY!

Now, to just get back on track with my Disney Head Scratchers! I still owe one for Feb. I’ll make sure to double it up this month.

Au revoir!

w/love,

-Alja

Lost in an O.R. – Poetry

what are we doing?

caught in the land of make-believe, in between the black and white,

drifting in the pool of gray, graying…

saying…

more nothings than

somethings.

lasting moments after the exasperation of our sweat soaked bodies

entwined in lines of linen…

silent kisses though we’re far off in the distance, away from what use to be…

burrowing tunnels, looking for distractions,

to wipe away my mirror of dissatisfaction.

you stay content with your silence all the while you build a wall beside me

how many feet above,

blocking love.

my once Pyramus building pyramids away from this,

your former Thisbe who no longer stands beside waiting on your voice.

 

All has become quiet on the western front.

 

i’m no longer certain anymore of what we are or what we have become.

two drones seeking a means to become real, to feel once more. 

or two halves of a heart, pulling steadily apart.

 

                   Floating         in            reveries

 

of what use to be…

 

 what are we?