Update…and still ashamed

Hello Darling Followers,

This update comes from a rather not so happy and doleful place. I’ll get straight to the point:

I haven’t added anything new to what should’ve been the novel I “completed in a summer.” It seems that while I may have the entire plot mapped out to perfection, the words just aren’t coming to me. And though I hate to make excuses, I find that nothing is moving forward because I really don’t have much time to breath, with everything else sucking up all my energy. I know, I know – “if you want something bad enough, you’ll make time for it,” but this everything around me is just like a sinkhole of concentration. I intended on selling some of my hobby pieces this summer and that is constantly being pushed further and further into the future as new circumstances are constantly arising and because of this, the writing aspect of my life which I want to become vastly devoted to is taking a dive because of it. *sigh* I could stay up late and write until the crack of dawn, but I get so bogged down mentally, that nothing happens.

I was supposed to go to a place not too far away for a day of relaxation and pure typing, but that didn’t happen. If I have my way, I’ll go soon…if…

I spoke with a friend the other day who told me that I should release some of my work, over a course of time, bit by bit to gain an audience and feedback and while I’ve started that with this post, I haven’t got much of a response which obviously has left a bad taste in my mouth. Is writing really for me?

Anyhow, I will try to continue on…and I’ll be doing so with a bit of “Erotic Fan-Fiction” but not on novels or T.V. shows or anything like that. Nope, just on men. Men, will be the source of this fiction- famous men…or at least men I find incredulously handsome and would love to get my hands on but know (in the front of my mind) that I never will. I got the idea from Tina (of Bob’s Burgers) cause she does the same…but with her friends…and zombies.

I’ve always wanted to do it, but thought that in a world with so much social media and googling and shiz, people would think that it was a real story but, now I don’t really care. I’ve been dreaming of these guys too frequently to not indulge in a little fantasy and well…get some writing done.

The first of these Fan-Fiction pieces will be called “The Elf & His Princess,” a mock interview piece that I wrote in high school about me and Orlando Bloom (when he was hot off the LOTR circuit). It’s long…and it’s out there, but it was based on like a four-part dream I had for several weeks so…yeah.

w/love

-Alja

‘Til Death – Excerpt

Here’s the opening to a story I wrote many moons ago, entitled ‘Til Death.’ Please read, comment, and enjoy! If you enjoy, I will continue to leak excerpts from this story as well as other stories!

The duvet of rain clouds above the city shadowed the town in shades of grey and charcoal. The icy cold rain showers covered every inch of every steel building, brick house, concrete slab and glass window. Sitting in the dark of his 50th floor studio apartment, he pondered about what to do next, who to go to, who to speak to. There was no chance in hell that he could be saved at this point in time and he resigned himself to the idea that no one would be willing to save him. Straightening his burgundy silk tie embroidered with yellow diamonds, he brushed his hands along the buttons of his white cotton dress shirt. He swirled the glass of scotch in his right hand that was casually draped over the arm of the leather recliner. The ice clinked along the sides and brought his mind some ease.

He looked out the window. The thud from the droplets had grown louder. He could barely see the city through all the rain, just streaks of water flowing down the glass. Slowly, the shadow of a man began to appear on the fogging window

What a shitty day to die he thought.

And with that said, Jack spun his gold wedding band around his wedding finger. He could feel the cool mouth of the steel revolver’s barrel pressed against the back of his head. Without any hesitation, he said “Get on with it,” and the last thing Jack heard was the sound of the gun going off.

Damaged Sticker – Poetry

Bullets are sprayed in the air
and I’m shot down
my smiles now are now replaced with frowns
my heart has been shot
feels like I’ve been stabbed in the back
a massive heart attack
has left me feeling like
one side of my body can’t sustain
as though I’m only half paralyzed with pain
because the other half has to maintain
that crippling facade that my
soldier soul can continue on
walking  strong
all the while my armor is ripped
from all the silent tears that drip
drop down onto the new badge
that replaced the one that use to flicker in the light
my new damaged sticker is in plain sight.

I’m the person that you put back on the shelf
the contorted version of yourself,
the one that no one else sees
the person with heavy insecurities
the one who can’t be found
the one chained and bound
to the sound of pure silence…

Didn’t Queen sing “another one bites the dust”
and yet, I feel like the one left in the dirt
with the blood of my mangled body on my shirt
the blood from cuts so deep
they won’t seem to heal,
body so cold, it can no longer feel
still crying even though I’m all cried out
trying to find a river to ease this drought
all the while you all see me and start to snicker
pointing and laughing at my damaged sticker.

Love Letter – Journal Entry

“I want to make him mine. For forever and a day or two. I want to be able to wake up in the mornings with my ruffled hair tucked away under his chin. I want to feel that heat generated on my right shoulder from the left hand that held it all night long. I want to be the one who rubs his legs with my thighs every morning. The one receiving kisses on the forehead when he’s about to say ‘Good Morning,’ and the one whispering soft ‘I Love You’s in his ear. I want him to love me. The way he loved all those girls before with that passion that burns so bright, it drives the inner darkness away.”

 “I want him to love me so much, that it hurts just a smidge to say goodbye; love me so much in the same way that I love him. From the lashes on his eyes, the stud in his ear, the shape of his lips, and the hairs on his chin. From the build of his chest, the look of his belly button and the length of his legs. I bet you were thinking I was going to say something else. But you see I love him past the usual physical things that people associate with love. And that’s how I want him to love me.”

“I want him to love me no matter what- Spring, Summer, Winter and Fall. Through it all. I want him to not only love me, but to be in love with me. So in love that when he writes the word, his name is in the middle of it. So in love with me, that no matter how I look, no matter how many of his babies I have, I will always remain eternally glowing. And I will be ever-flowing with love for him.”

-2007

w/love,

-alja

Something – Entry 6

All is full of love…

Damn this Bjork song.

Is there such as thing as being addicted to wanting love? I know that there are ‘attention-whores’ but are there ‘love-whores’ out there?

You’ll be given love

For a great deal of my life, I’ve wanted to love and be loved. Being that I was the weird ‘odd-girl-out’ it obviously took a long time to start being noticed for the right reasons. Continue reading

Something – Entry 5

“You look like…a perfect fit…”

I came across his profile online one night, out of sheer boredom. He was a fellow high school alum who was incredibly smart and just as handsome. I think my new found brazen attitude towards meeting people online was getting the best of me. That or I was just trying to battle my loneliness. Either way, I sent him a message and he responded and we corresponded back and forth.

“Excuse me, missy! Now all of a sudden you’re chasing guys?” said one of my girlfriends. Continue reading

Something – Entry 3

Please, Ana, let me make love to you.” – Christian Grey

In most movies and stories, the “first time” is supposed to be a special moment between two people who are much in love and want to express their love on a deeper, physical & emotional level. Bah.

By the time I finally was intimate with a person, we’d only been dating for a couple of months at most and we hadn’t said “I love you” to each other. Continue reading

Something – Entry 2

“First, I don’t make love. I fuck…hard.” – Christian Grey

Christian Grey said this to Anastasia Steele after she came to his place with intentions of making love for the first time. I couldn’t believe it, as I’d been told something similar when I too was a virgin, seeking a companion.

“I really want to fuck you,” he said to me. He was the guy that I thought I was in love with in high school. I was a slave to his somewhat coolness, sleek hair and intoxicating scent. We were off to the side in our lunchroom cafeteria, talking in hushed voices. Continue reading

Speak Easy Words – Excerpt

An excerpt from a story I wrote years ago. Please tell me what you think!

Speak Easy Words

The night was cold, but pretty young. Jasper decided to take his friend Arnold to a spot where he knew the guys could have a good time and keep warm. The name of the joint was ‘Delicious’ and it was in the market of selling the best moonshine you ever tasted. So good, it was guaranteed to put hairs on your chest and chin. They were also in the market of selling time with some of the most beautiful women you could ever lay your eyes on. This was Arnold’s first time there, but it wouldn’t be his last. As the two gentlemen entered the speak-easy, the smell of tobacco and perfume consumed them.

“This place is the cat’s meow!” said Arnold.
“Well buddy, you ain’t seen nothin’ yet!” replied Jasper.

As they went to sit down, a very short woman with a rather grand presence about her, glided across the floor. Arnold was immediately hypnotized. She noticed him too. She walked over and announced herself.

“Hey shug, the name’s Apple. What’s yours?

The southern bell of her voice rang and sent Arnold into a trance he could barely get out of.

“My name’s Arnold…”

“Well,” she started “seeing as I’ve never seen you here before let me be the first to welcome you to ‘Delicious.’”

“Thank you,” said Arnold. He gave a slight nod and Apple shot him a smile and wink. She turned her back to young man and swayed over to the dance floor. Arnold saw the back of her red gown—her back was bare and the rest of the red sequined gown hugged her hips, and round backside. He wanted to caress the smooth piece of pecan brown flesh that enticed his eye. He wanted to taste her, just like the fruit she was named after. And like the fruit, she seemed to be forbidden.

“Hey Miss Apple,” Arnold shouted. He got to his feet and walked across the floor to the vision in red, whose hair was pinned in an intricate maze of curls, and lips were colored in a matted deep red hue. “May I have this dance?”

“Well hun,” Apple smiled, “there are seven more in front of you, so if you don’t mind, I can dance with you after.”

“Sure,” replied Arnold. “I’ll wait in line so long as I get the chance to dance with you.”

As she walked away, his eyes followed close behind. Arnold had fallen in love with a beautiful creature, but didn’t know that returning those feelings was a service Apple couldn’t provide. In the business of prostitution, there was no time for love.